Clinging

::Learning to cling to my Lord, because He is completely reliable::

::Realizing that my true best friend isn't ever limited by time, distance, or a busy schedule::

::Reminded that Jesus is never too busy, too tired, or too important to extend His presence in my life::

People may disappoint me, but my God never will. Even as I sit at home alone and bored, wondering if everyone else is hanging out without me, feeling unimportant and forgotten- I desperately turn to the Lord. Why do I feel so lonely? Perhaps the Lord is using these months of living by myself, away from my built-in safety net of parents and brother, to allow me opportunities to practice depending on Him as my joy, my satisfaction, my contentment.   

Lord, I want to choose you right now. Choose you over human friendships or worldly entertainment (i.e. Hulu). Because I have Your assurance that when I place You first in my life, you will remember my choice and bless me with your promises. I want to take the first step in absolutely surrendering my life, and all that it entails, to You. 

In Christ Alone

This song and melody has been on repeat in my head all week long. Praise the Lord, He has been the source of my strength as I gruel through yet another finals week. This quarter has been all about learning that when I put the Lord first, He blesses me abundantly and in better ways than I had hoped or planned.

Also, this song fits so perfectly with our Bible study last week on John 16. "In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33b) Isn't this verse refreshing every time you read it?

In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
My comforter, my all in all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Unanswered Prayers and the Long Wait for Rice Pudding

Thank goodness for the weekend. It hasn't been a great week for me at all! Frustrating exams, frustrating people, and no small group to brighten up the week. Argh. I can't even think of witty things to say in this blogpost. *sigh*

Epiphany! I need a vacation. NOW. Something to look forward to and get excited about, because school and work is definitely not cutting it right now. My interest level in school and classes is bottoming out. Right now, I just want to go ANYWHERE out of Seattle! (...okay, anywhere except Cleveland). 

One of the frustrating issues I'm dealing with right now is the lack of response I'm getting in my prayer life. I pray, sometimes even get-on-my-knees prayers, and... nada. Nothing happens. Okay, all of my atheist friends probably think this is true for prayer in general. But in my past, I have had real testimonies of God answering my prayers, maybe not all the time in the way I planned, but a response nonetheless. But right now, I am pretty dejected in my prayer life, because the big issues I'm praying for is still there, the major problems still exist, and hope for any change is looking pretty dim. I'm not a patient person, so having to wait and wait and wait (we're talking in terms of months here) is really discouraging.

One bright note in my life is the food. Another new recipe attempted this past week, and another success! I made a huge batch of rice pudding, and ate almost all of it by myself (12 servings worth...)! Basically, I lived off rice pudding while studying for my tests.

I used my slow cooker (the second recipe I've actually used a slow cooker!), and it allowed me to be "hands-free." I didn't have to stand by the stove, checking and stirring the rice pudding every few minutes to prevent the bottom from burning. However, the slow cooker method does take longer- I left the pudding to simmer for 2-3 hours before it was thick enough. If you don't have a slow cooker handy, you can definitely cook the rice pudding over the stove; make sure you keep an eye on your rice pudding and stir every so often!

Rice Pudding
12 servings

1 cup uncooked rice (long-grain preferred, but I used whatever I had, which turned out to be jasmine short-grain rice)
8 cups milk (8 cups = 1/2 gallon)
1 cup sugar
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 cup milk
1/4 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla extract
Cinnamon and nutmeg, to taste

Directions:

1. In large saucepan, combine rice, milk, and sugar. Cover pot loosely and bring mixture to boil, occasionally stirring and scraping bottom of pan to prevent burning. (Watch the pot carefully! If you're not keeping an eye on it, the mixture may boil over, leaving you a sticky mess to clean up.) 
2. After mixture has come to a boil, transfer mixture to slow cooker. Set slow cooker on high setting, and simmer for about 2 hours, or until the mixture is to desired consistency. (Note: This step will determine how thin or thick your rice pudding will be! If you want the pudding to be thicker, leave it in the slow cooker for longer. After this step, the pudding will not become thicker.) 
3. While the rice pudding is in the slow cooker, beat together eggs, 1/4 cup milk, salt, vanilla extract, and a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg. Set aside to bring mixture to room temperature. 
4. After the rice pudding is at desired consistency, temper egg mixture by mixing a scoopful of hot rice pudding into egg mixture. Then add the egg mixture into the rice pudding mixture slowly (to prevent curdling of the eggs). Stir the rice pudding, and continue cooking in slow cooker for 3-5 minutes (in order to fully cook the eggs). 
5. Transfer rice pudding into 9x13 inch pan or equivalent, loosely drape plastic wrap over top, and cool to room temperature. Sprinkle cinnamon over pudding. Then, tightly cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled before serving. 

Psalms 15

  ¹O LORD, who may abide in Your tent?
         Who may dwell on Your holy hill?
    ²He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness,
         And speaks truth in his heart. 
    ³He does not slander with his tongue,
         Nor does evil to his neighbor,
         Nor takes up a reproach against his friend;
    ⁴In whose eyes a reprobate is despised,
         But who honors those who fear the LORD;
         He swears to his own hurt and does not change;
    ⁵He does not put out his money at interest,
         Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent
         He who does these things will never be shaken.


This past weekend, Uncle Mack and Auntie Tina shared with the college group. I was so encouraged :). They both shared from Psalms. To be honest, in the past, I didn't love the book of Psalms. Sometimes it felt repetitive or like a bunch of do's and don'ts.

But Uncle Mack revealed Psalms 15 in a whole new way- love the last line where it says "He who does these things will never be shaken." And what are "these things"? Look above to verse 2: walks with integrity, works righteousness, and speaks truth. I know I am quite often shaken in my life by a bad test, an argument, things not going my way. But there is a way out!

It starts with abiding. As simple as the word sounds, I often don't think I can do it... not in this day and age, when there's school and career plus a billion other things vying for our attention. But as Uncle Mack shared, it starts with a desire, and God will honor our true desire to abide in Him. Then, the next step is to walk, work, and speak as Christ, and He will be our strength even when we think we cannot.

-- Every day is another opportunity in learning to not be shaken, no matter what the outward situation is. Run to the Lord in your need, He is eternally faithful. --

Matthew 5:14-16

¹⁴You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden;
 ¹⁵nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
 ¹⁶Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.


--encouragement from today's Bible reading--

Being Happy On Valentine's Day

to all my single ladies,

I wanted to remind y'all that you are truly loved today! Very appropriately, when I led the Sunday School kids' singing yesterday, I chose the song "I am so glad that our Father in heaven, Tells of His love in the book He has written.... Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me." I told the kids, "Tomorrow (today) is all about LOVE, and don't forget, God loves YOU more than you can ever imagine!" (Well, that's what I was trying to say, I don't think it came out as eloquently...) The song's chorus goes on to repeat the line "Jesus loves me" fifty gazillion times, but it's never cliche. I was reminded just how much I am loved by God. In the words of John Shane, "God is CRAZY about you!" 

I also want to take back all the negativity I've been spewing recently. After thinking about it a little more, I realized that the best things just take time. That's true with boys (wait- no, I want a man, not a boy!) as well. I realized I can either go with the marijuana-smoking, gambling dude that's available now.... or wait for someone better that God has planned specifically for me. 

So even on this... Singles Awareness Day, I am content and satisfied. And sometimes, when I forget everything I just said above, please, PLEASE remind me forcefully that I really don't want to have just any guy right now... I want the perfect man (oxymoron?! jk...) for me! 

And lastly, I want to thank you guys for being the most wonderful support group EVER during the last few months. You guys helped me realize that being single is not the end of the world, in fact, it's far from it! Looking back of the last few months, I think I have truly grown a lot. I am much more independent. I am doing a lot more with my time! I love being able to throw myself into my passions- blogging, cooking, baking, church services. I am becoming better at being a friend, instead of being self-absorbed and self-centered. I'm enjoying life right now, and enjoying spending tons of time with my besties! 

Don't forget, you are loved by God firstly, and by me as well :). 

love,

Lyds

My Mt. Rainier Moment and Fruit Tart

Today I had my Mt. Rainier moment (yes, a reference to Ben S.'s testimony about his college years...). It's unsettling, even now that I'm in grad school where grades really don't and shouldn't matter as much (we always joke about how "we just need to pass" and "in the end, we all graduate and become pharmacists anyways"), how affected I am by a poor grade.

Frankly, I was take aback to learn today that I haven't matured out of my high school (and college) weaknesses. Growing up, I've always had this difficult time accepting anything less than perfect... which makes me Ms. Perfectionist, I suppose. Expecting perfect grades, perfect piano recitals, perfect presentations... all this takes quite an emotional toll when perfection crumbles in the face of human error and frailty. Being the best became my goal and motivation, and pride. And I remember, in the past when I didn't get the grade I wanted and hoped for, everything became dismal and dark. I was the queen of making mountains out of molehills.

Today, when I failed (okay, I didn't fail, but failed to meet my personal expectations for myself), I quickly fell into shock, then unhappiness. Actually, unhappy doesn't fully capture my mood. Let's just say, prior to receiving my test back, I could say lightheartedly, "Freaking out about school is soooooo undergrad." Afterwards, it was a completely different story.

The thoughts that raced through my head were self-deprecating: "I can't believe you got such a low grade!" "This is unacceptable!" "You haven't been studying hard enough, and that's why you didn't do well!"

Eventually, the thoughts also started to blame God: "If I didn't go to prayer meeting the night before my test, I could've done better! I wasted 3 hours of my time that I could've used to study!" "God, why did you not take care of me? Don't You love me?"

As these thoughts swirled around in my head, and I walked in a daze to my next class, my mood sunk into a pallor. (At least I didn't break down and cry, that would've REALLY been just like high school...)

In desperation to escape my gloominess, I made a friend eat lunch with me, which cheered me up somewhat. And I really tried to see things in perspective: "One silly test should NOT affect me this much. And I should be motivated instead of discouraged!" But my thoughts still would sneak back in and condemn me.

It was not until I walked outside at 2:30pm, finally done with classes and meetings that I saw how good I have it. Staring at me in the face was (not Mt. Rainier, as Ben saw as he walked outside after failing his chemistry test in Bagley Hall), a beautiful blue sky and bright sunlight. Maybe a frequent occurrence in sunny SoCal, but in Seattle, we appreciate every clear day we have. For some reason, I felt God's hand in providing the perfect weather we had today. Crisp and cold, but startling bright blue expanse without a single cloud and golden sunlight streaming through the trees. God was smacking me down from my high horse. Here I was doubting God, the Creator of all things, Who is in charge of the weather and nature. At that moment, when I realized and praised God for the beauty of everything He has created, I felt the worries of this silly test slip away. All the fears of not 4.0-ing, my high expectations of myself, the disapproval I felt coming from myself disappeared. It really became just one test, one grade, not the end of the world. So what if I didn't ace this test? So what if I don't ace this class even? So what if my GPA does slip a little? Does that make God any less real and true to me? I want to emphatically say, "No."

This is the assurance of being a Christian. Not some far away salvation (yes, we do have salvation from death and hell), but salvation is also REAL and NOW. God saves me from my self-deprecating thoughts, from my judgement on myself, from my unhappiness and insecurities and worries about tomorrow. He truly is the God who holds my tomorrow. With God in my life, I know that no matter what happens, He has the best plan in mind for me.

Fruit Tart with Pastry Cream


Tart Crust

2 1/2 c. flour
3 tbsp. sugar
1 c. cold butter, cut into small pieces
4 tbsp. ice cold water
2 egg yolks, lightly beaten

Directions:

1. Mix flour and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Cut in pieces of cold butter (either in food processor or with a pastry knife), until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Add cold water, and continue processing in food processor or pastry knife until dough can just hold together without being wet or sticky. Add beat eggs. If too dry or crumbly, add more cold water until dough just holds together when you pinch it between your fingers. 
2. Turn half of dough mixture onto a large piece of plastic wrap. Grasping ends of the plastic wrap, form dough into circular disk, and chill in fridge for at least an hour. Repeat with other half of dough. 
3. Take out one dough disk, and on lightly floured surface, roll out dough into circle 2 inches wider than tart pan. Fold dough into quarters, then lift into pan. Unfold dough, and press firmly into tart pan. Trim excess dough with scissors. 
4. Line tart shell with parchment or wax pepper, and weight with beans or rice. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees for 15-18 minutes. Remove paper and weights, and continue to bake until tart shell is golden brown. Cool tart shell before adding filling. 

Note: Remaining half of the dough may be frozen up to a month, if wrapped well in plastic and placed in ziplock bag. 

Pastry Cream

1 c. milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 c. plus 1 tbsp. sugar
3 egg yolks
1 tbsp. cornstarch
1 tbsp. flour
1 tbsp butter

Directions:

1. Mix together milk, sugar, and vanilla extract in medium saucepan. In a separate bowl, beat yolks, 1 tbsp. sugar, cornstarch, and flour until smooth and thick. 
2. Heat milk mixture while stirring over high heat, until just boiling (scalding). Pour about half the hot milk mixture into the yolk mixture slowly to temper (if you add the egg yolks straight into the hot mixture, the eggs will curdle! My mistake the first time around...). Combine the yolk mixture with the rest of the hot milk in saucepan, and quickly bring to boil, whisking rapidly to prevent burning. 
3. Remove from heat. Add butter (butter will melt into hot cream). Cool before filling tart shell. 
4. Fill tart shell with pastry cream. Arrange fruit on top (making sure all the fruit is completely dry to prevent watering down the cream). 

Testimony

Thursday- January 27, 2011

5:28pm- I head home after a long (but rewarding) afternoon at clinic, and hop onto the bus that takes me downtown. I flash my bus pass as I get on the bus.

5:45pm- I transfer to the express bus that takes me home. Downtown is a free ride area, so I don't think about showing my bus pass as I get onto the bus.

5:59pm- As the bus nears my stop, I start searching for my bus pass. No bus pass in my pockets or backpack. Panic sets in.

6:05pm- The bus is one stop away from where I get off, and thankfully I have enough change to pay my bus fare. My thoughts are racing, frantically thinking where my bus pass possibly could be. I feel light-headed, like I am in a dream-state. I think, "This can't be happening. I can't possibly have lost my bus pass and school ID card..."

6:10pm- I pay $2.50 in bus fare, and rush home. As soon as I get home, I exclaim to my brother and Patty, "I THINK I LOST MY BUS PASS!!!" I turn my backpack inside out, upside down, and search my jacket and pockets one more time. I finally admit that my bus pass is gone.

6:25pm- I call the Metro Lost & Found, get stuck in a telephone phone tree endless loop, and frustratingly get no adequate answers.

6:35pm- I call my mom to vent about losing my bus pass. The bus pass is worth about $100, plus I would need a replacement ID card. I can't believe how stupid I am in not taking care of my stuff better. My mom tries to comfort me by telling me that it's a small matter, and not a big deal. I exclaim, "But I'm trying to save up for an iPhone!!! This will make a dent in my budget!"

7:15pm- A few sisters from church arrive to my house to fellowship and chat and eat. The first thing I tell them is, "My day sucked! I lost my bus pass and ID card today!"

Later on in the evening, we devoted some time in prayer. I was truly comforted by all my sisters' prayers and concern for me. Even thought it was, retrospectively, a very small matter, we were able to lift up the issue in prayer. Whether or not I found my bus pass, I felt that everything would be alright.

10:30pm- Before I started studying, I had some personal prayer time with the Lord. I was able to give up the issue (it had been gnawing at me all night) of a lost bus pass into God's hands. Instead of continually berating myself about how I could possibly lose my bus pass and analyzing every step I took this afternoon and wondering where my bus pass possibly could be, I wanted to let the Lord take care of everything. A sense of peace filled my heart, to the extent that I was able to focus and study.

1:30am- I woke up in the middle of the night, and reached over to the side of my bed for my iTouch. I quickly checked my emails. I had a new email, with the subject line: "Husky card found" and the message below:

Hey Lydia,

I picked up your husky card/upass as I was walking down 3rd ave this evening. I'll just leave it with the front desk at the law library tomorrow morning.

You're welcome,

Jeff 

Praise the Lord. I do want to chalk this up to God as His miracle. It wasn't a coincidence or pure luck that a UW student picked up my bus pass, rather than some bum on the street (my downtown bus stop is SKETCHY). In God's perfect timing, He was teaching me to trust Him in all things and He will provide.

How wonderful He is.

-Lydia

Pizza Part Deux and Genesis 24

Tonight was Pizza Part Deux with old roommates! Same Trader Joe's herb pizza dough, but lots of different toppings! Pizza really is quite versatile... different toppings, different flavors, totally different meal from what Ben and I made on Friday! Of course, the pizza was very delicious... and I'm sure Shu will contribute a photo soon!

Our pizza toppings: thinly sliced onions, yellow and green bell peppers, 'shrooms, and lot and lots of mozzarella cheese! And of course, good food with good friends make for a great meal!

I realize I love our conversations! A selection of the topics we transversed included: Amy Chua's new bestselling book that has people extremely divided on "good" parenting, The Social Network, the sketchy International District, grocery shopping, and the list goes on. Just to show, we have endless (and really diverse) things to talk about! If I didn't have school tomorrow... could've stayed all night! :D


I've been keeping up with the new English group Bible reading schedule recently, PTL! Today's chapter was Genesis 24, on Isaac and Rebekah. I was struck by some of the verses as I was reading the chapter this afternoon (on my way home on the bus):

• Just this past weekend, we had our college group meeting... and one of our topics was on relationships. Yep, I feel like I've been hearing a lot about this recently, at winter retreat, my own life, my friends' lives, at Bible study, and now at the Saturday meeting! However, Uncle Huan brought up a great point that stuck with me. At some point in our lives, we may start feeling like we need our second half (very naturally we get lonely, we feel like we're "ready" for a relationship). And God is the initiator; in other words, just like Abraham in this chapter, He is preparing someone ready for us. Even if our environment may seem bleak and hopeless ("there is absolutely no one available or appropriate I know right now!"), God will bring someone before us in His time. I think the story of Isaac and Rebekkah is quite encouraging. Just like Abraham found and prepared a companion for his son, God is eternally faithful, no matter how our circumstances right now seem. 
• Also, Isaac did not have to go out and search for a bride. God prepared the right person for him! I think it's wonderful to know that our chances in finding someone doesn't rely upon our own effort, our own likability, our own flirting ability, but as a Christian, God is willing to take care of big and small matters in our life. God is willing to bring just the right person to you, if you are willing to wait and pray. 
• I've been impressed recently by what kind of woman Rebekah was. In Gen. 24:19-20, Rebekah draws water for Abraham's servant AND all his camels. Drawing up water from a well to fill up 10 camels is not an easy task! Some math: a camel may drink 10-20 gallons of water, multiply that range by 10 camels = Rebekah may have drawn 100-200 gallons of water! So while the Bible puts it simply as, "So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and draw enough for all his camels." Rebekah definitely went "above and beyond" in such a situation, and she was greatly blessed for it! 

Peter

One of my favorite Bible characters of all-time is Peter. He is introduced in the gospels as someone headstrong, quick-tempered (remember how he sliced off a servant's ear?), brash. Yet, he undergoes such a huge transformation. He failed so badly when he denied Jesus 3 times before the rooster crowed, yet Jesus used Peter to be a pillar of the church.

Our Bible Study just finished studying 1 Peter. Uncle Huan gave a really great (great =  new and deeper insight +  touched my spirit) summary of 1 Peter. I wished we had this perspective before or while we were studying 1 Peter. First of all, the key theme of 1 Peter can be encapsulated by 1 Peter 1:9- "obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." I've read this verse many times as we studied this book, and usually I just pass it by, regarding it as more spiritual "fluff." One of those verses that has big, spiritual words in it (salvation, faith, soul), but not sure of application. Uncle Huan revealed that this verse, when it talks about the "salvation of our souls", literally is talking about the process of sanctification. Plus, he drew a diagram that helped me understand more clearly! I love diagrams, they're always easier to remember than lots of words! 

How I understood it afterwards was that after we are saved (our spirits are saved by the redeeming work of Christ), however, our souls (comprised of our will, emotions, and mind), still need to be refined and perfected. The process of sanctification is then, becoming more like Christ in our will, in our emotions, in our mind. As those arrows represent, this refining work permeates out from our spirit, where Christ's spirit resides, and is a slow, gradual process of transformation. 

For some reason, this clicked for me last night. We (especially I) hear about these big Christian concepts (sanctification, justification, salvation) ALL THE TIME. But a lot of times, they're just words and doctrines. The diagram really helped me remember and understand what sanctification is all about. 

In other news, we have our January College Saturday Meeting tonight. We will be having a few different discussion groups, each group has a different topic. Please pray for us! My group will be leading on Time Management (balancing church life, school, friends, clubs, volunteering, etc.) and Choosing a Major/Career. Ben will be helping out with the Drinking Alcohol group. And our last group will be on Choosing Relationships. I hope that discussing these VERY PRACTICAL college issues will open up our eyes and touch our hearts, all of us including the leaders. We don't have a concrete answer for all questions, but we do want to steer people in the right direction. Lastly, I really do hope that our discussion can be a start for college students to analyze their lives right now, and really re-dedicate it to God.

Random Food Pictures From January: 

Blueberry Coffee Cake: The secret for ultra-moist cake?
Sour Cream!

Pomegranates... mmhmm!

Ben's Lunch: Steak over a Bed of Salad
He knows how to LIVE THE GOOD LIFE!

As the Deer

verse three:
I want You more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy Giver,
And the apple of my eye.

You alone are my strength and my shield
To You alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship thee


This was an encouraging song led tonight at Bible study. Timely reminder that only God can satisfy every longing and every need. I had never known the story behind the lyrics until today. The fruit of a broken heart mended by God and meditation on Psalms 42:1.

Psalms 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.