Today I had my Mt. Rainier moment (yes, a reference to Ben S.'s testimony about his college years...). It's unsettling, even now that I'm in grad school where grades really don't and shouldn't matter as much (we always joke about how "we just need to pass" and "in the end, we all graduate and become pharmacists anyways"), how affected I am by a poor grade.
Frankly, I was take aback to learn today that I haven't matured out of my high school (and college) weaknesses. Growing up, I've always had this difficult time accepting anything less than perfect... which makes me Ms. Perfectionist, I suppose. Expecting perfect grades, perfect piano recitals, perfect presentations... all this takes quite an emotional toll when perfection crumbles in the face of human error and frailty. Being the best became my goal and motivation, and pride. And I remember, in the past when I didn't get the grade I wanted and hoped for, everything became dismal and dark. I was the queen of making mountains out of molehills.
Today, when I failed (okay, I didn't fail, but failed to meet my personal expectations for myself), I quickly fell into shock, then unhappiness. Actually, unhappy doesn't fully capture my mood. Let's just say, prior to receiving my test back, I could say lightheartedly, "Freaking out about school is
soooooo undergrad." Afterwards, it was a completely different story.
The thoughts that raced through my head were self-deprecating: "I can't believe you got such a low grade!" "This is unacceptable!" "You haven't been studying hard enough, and that's why you didn't do well!"
Eventually, the thoughts also started to blame God: "If I didn't go to prayer meeting the night before my test, I could've done better! I wasted 3 hours of my time that I could've used to study!" "God, why did you not take care of me? Don't You love me?"
As these thoughts swirled around in my head, and I walked in a daze to my next class, my mood sunk into a pallor. (At least I didn't break down and cry, that would've REALLY been just like high school...)
In desperation to escape my gloominess, I made a friend eat lunch with me, which cheered me up somewhat. And I really tried to see things in perspective: "One silly test should NOT affect me this much. And I should be motivated instead of discouraged!" But my thoughts still would sneak back in and condemn me.
It was not until I walked outside at 2:30pm, finally done with classes and meetings that I saw how
good I have it. Staring at me in the face was (not Mt. Rainier, as Ben saw as he walked outside after failing his chemistry test in Bagley Hall), a beautiful blue sky and bright sunlight. Maybe a frequent occurrence in sunny SoCal, but in Seattle, we appreciate every clear day we have. For some reason, I felt God's hand in providing the perfect weather we had today. Crisp and cold, but startling bright blue expanse without a single cloud and golden sunlight streaming through the trees. God was smacking me down from my high horse. Here I was doubting God, the Creator of all things, Who is in charge of the weather and nature. At that moment, when I realized and praised God for the beauty of everything He has created, I felt the worries of this silly test slip away. All the fears of not 4.0-ing, my high expectations of myself, the disapproval I felt coming from myself disappeared. It
really became just one test, one grade, not the end of the world. So what if I didn't ace this test? So what if I don't ace this class even? So what if my GPA does slip a little? Does that make God any less real and true to me? I want to emphatically say, "No."
This is the assurance of being a Christian. Not some far away salvation (yes, we do have salvation from death and hell), but salvation is also REAL and NOW. God saves me from my self-deprecating thoughts, from my judgement on myself, from my unhappiness and insecurities and worries about tomorrow.
He truly is the God who holds my tomorrow. With God in my life, I know that no matter what happens, He has the best plan in mind for me.
Fruit Tart with Pastry Cream
Tart Crust
2 1/2 c. flour
3 tbsp. sugar
1 c. cold butter, cut into small pieces
4 tbsp. ice cold water
2 egg yolks, lightly beaten
Directions:
- Mix flour and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Cut in pieces of cold butter (either in food processor or with a pastry knife), until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Add cold water, and continue processing in food processor or pastry knife until dough can just hold together without being wet or sticky. Add beat eggs. If too dry or crumbly, add more cold water until dough just holds together when you pinch it between your fingers.
- Turn half of dough mixture onto a large piece of plastic wrap. Grasping ends of the plastic wrap, form dough into circular disk, and chill in fridge for at least an hour. Repeat with other half of dough.
- Take out one dough disk, and on lightly floured surface, roll out dough into circle 2 inches wider than tart pan. Fold dough into quarters, then lift into pan. Unfold dough, and press firmly into tart pan. Trim excess dough with scissors.
- Line tart shell with parchment or wax pepper, and weight with beans or rice. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees for 15-18 minutes. Remove paper and weights, and continue to bake until tart shell is golden brown. Cool tart shell before adding filling.
Note: Remaining half of the dough may be frozen up to a month, if wrapped well in plastic and placed in ziplock bag.
Pastry Cream
1 c. milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 c. plus 1 tbsp. sugar
3 egg yolks
1 tbsp. cornstarch
1 tbsp. flour
1 tbsp butter
Directions:
- Mix together milk, sugar, and vanilla extract in medium saucepan. In a separate bowl, beat yolks, 1 tbsp. sugar, cornstarch, and flour until smooth and thick.
- Heat milk mixture while stirring over high heat, until just boiling (scalding). Pour about half the hot milk mixture into the yolk mixture slowly to temper (if you add the egg yolks straight into the hot mixture, the eggs will curdle! My mistake the first time around...). Combine the yolk mixture with the rest of the hot milk in saucepan, and quickly bring to boil, whisking rapidly to prevent burning.
- Remove from heat. Add butter (butter will melt into hot cream). Cool before filling tart shell.
- Fill tart shell with pastry cream. Arrange fruit on top (making sure all the fruit is completely dry to prevent watering down the cream).
